Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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