I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
