I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
