I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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