i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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