I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
