Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
