He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
