alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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