dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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