My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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