remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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