so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize