the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
