I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
