dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
