Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
