cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she pinky promised me she was 18
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
