After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
