you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
