I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
