im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
