i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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