There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
