Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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