if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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