i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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