I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
