I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
