there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
