I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
