I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
