Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
