The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
