guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
