woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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