I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
