i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
