You made me cry and you don't even care
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
