She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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