I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
