Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
