I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
