she looked like the before picture.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
