i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
