he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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