Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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