took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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