well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
