I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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