I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
