dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I need to stop coming to work sober
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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