I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
