youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
