I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
