Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
