like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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